It doesn't matter
by adrixa
Summary: Post - Season 3. Angel leaves Buffy, she can't deal with it... *WARNING: Deals with suicide*


It doesn't matter.  
  
Season: 3. Post "graduation day 2" on Buffy the vampire slayer. Disclaimer: no I don't own anything, life is unfair so I have to pretend that it's mine for a second, Joss Whedon owns everything. The song belongs to "Alison Krauss & Union Station". The song is called "It doesn't matter". Disclaimer: Lanfear de Souza.  
  
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Buffy sat on her bed dressed in a pair of black jeans and a black T-shirt. She had no make-up on herself. Her hazel brown eyes looked empty and dead.  
  
*It doesn't matter what I want, It doesn't matter what I need. It doesn't matter if I cry, Don't matter if I bleed.*  
  
Buffy thought of the days when she and Angel were together, she remembered the first time they met each other and the first kiss that they shared together, when she found out that he was a vampire.  
  
*You've been on a road. Don't know where it goes, Or where it's leads.*  
  
She also remember the first and only time they made love with each other, the passion, and the painful consequences of their night of passion, when Angelus was brought forward because of Angels moment of true happiness. That their moment of something so pure and beautiful created such a monster was one of the things that destroyed their love. A tear fell down from her left eye and rolled down her cheek. Her mind was clouded of dark memories, which some of them were memories of the time when Angelus came and tormented her and killed Jenny Calendar. The time when she sent Angel to hell and when she found out that he had come back from hell. Another tear fell down from her right eye.  
  
*It doesn't matter what I want, It doesn't matter what I need. If you made up your mind ago I won't beg you to stay.*  
  
It was dark in Buffy's room and so quiet. Her mother was not home and she was supposed too come back in about two days. Buffy thought of when Angel said that he had to leave.  
  
(Scene: in the sewers)  
  
Angel: You deserve more., you deserve something outside demons and darkness. I mean, you should be with someone who can take you into the light. Someone who can make love with you  
  
Buffy: I don't care about that  
  
Angel: You will and children.  
  
Buffy: Children? Can you say jumping the gun I killed my goldfish. Angel: Today, but you have no idea how fast it goes, Buffy, before you know it you want it all, a normal life.  
  
Buffy: I'll never have a normal life.  
  
Angel: Alright you always be a slayer, but that's all more reason why you should have a real relationship instead of this. this freak show! I didn't mean that.  
  
Buffy: I'm better go  
  
Angel: I'm sorry, Buffy, You know how much I love you, and it kills me to say this.  
  
Buffy Then don't, who are you to tell me what's right for me, you think I haven't thought about this!  
  
Angel: Have you, rationally.  
  
Buffy: No, no of course not. I'm just a swooning little schoolgirl  
  
Angel: I'm trying to do what's right here! I'm trying to think with my head instead of my heart.  
  
Buffy: Heart? You have a heart! It isn't even beating  
  
Angel (with a hard and painful voice): Don't.  
  
Buffy (with an angry and painful tone): Don't what? Don't love you? I'm sorry. You know what? I didn't know I got a choice in that. I never gonna change. I can't change. I want my life with you.  
  
Angel: I don't.  
  
(Scene ends)  
  
*You've been in a cage. Throw you to the wind You fly away.*  
  
Buffy laughed bitterly. It was a tragic love story, just like Romeo & Julia. Slowly the bitter laugh changed to sobs that wrecked her small body. When she stopped crying she stood up and walked to her desk opened the drawer and took out the Claddaugh ring and a sharp knife.  
  
*It doesn't matter what I want, It doesn't matter what I need.*  
  
She went back to the bed and sat down on the end of the bed. She put on the Claddaugh ring that she had got from Angel.  
  
*It doesn't matter if I cry, Don't matter if I bleed.*  
  
She took the knife in her right hand and put one of the left-hand fingers on the knife's sharp point. She pushed the knife's edge on the left-hand's finger and saw how it started to bleed with hazy-eyes. She didn't notice the throbbing pain from the finger. She took the knife away from the finger and lay the tip of the knife on her left wrist and cut up her wrist. She didn't even react to the pain. Buffy took the knife in her left-hand and cut her other wrist. She dropped the knife, blood drops and the knife fell to the floor. Buffy laid herself on the bed.  
  
*Feel the state of tears, Falling on this face you loved for years.*  
  
She lie down on her bed, with her right-hand on the cross she had got from Angel the first time she met him. A tear fell down from her cheek and her eyes were turned against the ceiling. But she didn't see the white ceiling, she saw Angels face in front of her and he was saying, "I love you Buffy". Buffy smiled and mumbled "I love you too". Then her eyes were growing dim and then the spark in her eyes died out. 


End file.
